Of tears and hope
by loonie lupin
Summary: While Hotch comes back to an empty house, JJ receives an unexpected phone call.


**Title**: Of tears and hope  
**Author: **loonie_lupin  
**Fandom:** Criminal Minds  
**Characters/Pairing:** Hotch/JJ (pre-relationship)  
**Spoiler**: Up to in Birth and Death  
**Rating: **FRT  
**Summary:** While Hotch comes back to an empty house, JJ receives a phone call she wasn't expecting  
**Disclaimer:** The characters and settings are not mine but the property of their creators.

**Of tears and hope**

When Hotch stopped his car to park in front of his place, his guts screamed to him that something was wrong. He could see from the spot he was in that the house was totally dark and he couldn't help thinking that it wasn't right. It wasn't all that late yet, and Haley's didn't go to sleep that soon. There should have at least be some light inside, whether it be a lamp or the television, but he couldn't see any glow coming from the windows and no sounds could be heard from that side of the door.

_When your phone rings, all you can think of is 'please, not another case'. You have just gotten home barely an hour ago and the last few days have been kind of stressful to say the least. With Gideon, Hotch and Emily all out of commission, you were operating with only half a team, with the adding stress of having Director Strauss with you in the field. May that never happen again! Thankfully, both Hotch and Prentiss had come to help and, apparently, decided to stay for good. You can honestly say that you have been relieved to hear it._

_Still, even though you are weary, you answer. Of course you answer. But the person at the other end of the line is the last one you were expecting to hear from._

He opened silently the door, turn on the light and, closing behind him, let his bag fall soundlessly to the ground. The atmosphere was entirely too calm for his liking. It seemed like there was no one else in the house and he realized, with a sick feeling, that it was most probably the case.

"_Haley?" you ask, already knowing it was her because, not only had she identified herself when you answered, but you also knew her voice. Still, it's a real shock. "Hotch must be on his way home," you add immediately, thinking that it must be the reason of her call,_

_She manages to surprise you once again. Apparently, you were wrong, it wasn't why she has called. No. According to her, Hotch must already be home. Must be. Implying that she isn't sure. Which means, she isn't at home. You can't help the sinking feeling in your stomach. _

"_What do you mean?"_

Still, even though he hadn't a shadow of doubt that Haley had gone and taken Jack with her, he couldn't help running through the house, looking inside the bedchambers, only to find them totally empty. He had known as soon as he had left to go back to his team in Milwaukee that there was a good chance his wife wouldn't forgive him that time around; still, he hadn't thought she would leave while he was away. The blow hurt so much that he felt his knees go weak and had to sit down on the bed to avoid falling down.

_The answer she gives to your question is exactly the one you feared. She has left. While they have been tracking their serial killer, trying to save another woman from the terrible fate that awaited her, Haley has been packing her stuff and quietly leaving Hotch's life, without a backward glance. Your heart goes to him in that moment and imagining the pain he has to be in in that instant nearly brings tears to your eyes. But there is still something you don't understand. _

"_Why are you calling me?"_

He looked around him and his eyes fell upon the nightstand where a golden ring was meticulously set on a white sheet of paper. When he took it, he saw the only two words writing in the delicate handwriting of his wife. I'm sorry. And as he was watching, the words began to blur and, suddenly, there was no containing his tears anymore.

_The moment she responds, you recognize instantly the woman you have met a few years ago. The nice, loving woman who was always smiling and adoring of her husband. She tells you that she still cares for him. They can't live together anymore, she can't do it anymore, having her husbands leave at all times, never knowing when exactly he will be back, and the unconditional love she had once felt isn't here anymore. She isn't in love with him anymore. That doesn't mean she doesn't care about him anymore. They have been together for so long, they were high school sweethearts. Even though they weren't made for each other in the end, she will always have a soft spot for him in her heart. And you believe her. The emotion you can hear overwhelming her voice is very real. She doesn't want him to be alone. _

"_Why me?" you ask, because she could have called anyone on the team. All of them would have answered present for Hotch. He means so much to all of them. From Gideon to Garcia, everyone loves him._

He was sobbing, one hand clutching the ring, symbol of the love they once shared, and the other the white paper, which represented the end of their marriage. He hadn't believed such a pain was possible. But he still loved her, still loved them so much. Jack and her. And now they were gone and his life was disintegrating in front of his eyes, without him being able to do anything about it.

He knew she wouldn't prevent him from seeing Jack, she wasn't vindictive. But it wouldn't be the same. Would never be the same again. He had lost his family because he had chosen to put his job above them and how would Jack ever be able to accept it when he was in age to understand? Would he hate him? Or would he just try to forget he ever existed, like Reid with his father? He didn't thing he would be capable to handle it if it was the case.

He let himself slid silently from the bed to the ground and hid his face in his knees, circled by his arms, trying to muffle the sound of his pain even though there was no one left in the house to hear him falling apart.

_You can't believe you're hearing her reply right because there is no way in hell that Hotch have that kind of feelings for you. No, you know he cares about you – of course, he does! – but he cares about everyone on the team. You just have to look at how he has taken care of Reid after his time in Tobias Hankle's grip to know that. _

_All of you knew that Reid was having problems dealing and, while all of you tried to talk to him, it's Hotch was able to get through him, Hotch who helped him fight his addiction, as he has told you. Yes, you're the only one Reid has confided in about what went down between Hotch and him. He needed to tell someone and he had to be sure no one else would ever hear about it so he chose you. Hotch should have reported him and if anyone ever discovered he covered Reid's drug problems, he would be in trouble. That proves he cares unconditionally about all of you, no matter your sins. But why would Haley thing that? _

"_He's not in love with me. He loves you," you say, because what else is there to say?_

He didn't know how long he had sat there, crying like he hadn't done in so long, since that dark, cold night when he had been a child and had learnt that crying just made the punishment worse and promised himself he would never do it again because he wouldn't allow anyone to have that kind of ammunition against him. But there was no one there to witness his tears, no one that could mock him or use his weakness against him, so why care anymore?

_She knows he loves her, she tells you, but she also knows that he hasn't been in love with her for a long time. They were comfortable together and they loved each other very much, so very much that it had been easy to pretend there were still in love even though it hadn't been the case in quite a while. It has taken her a long time to really accept it but she knew it was the truth. _

_She tells you she knows he would never have acted on his feelings for you while they were still together, because it just isn't the kind of man he is and, even though he was sometimes hundreds of kilometers away, with the object of his affection – you, which you still can't believe – he still wouldn't betray her like this. She wishes she was that strong – and the implied confession breaks your heart just a little more. He deserves better than be cheated on. But now she has left, there is no reason for him to ignore his feeling anymore, she says._

"_What-"_

Finally, the tears stopped to flow and he stayed on the ground, leaning against the bed, calm, almost apathetic. The storm had passed and at the moment, he just felt some kind of detachment about the situation. It was strange, it was almost as if he was dissociating himself from the present- He slammed down a mental door of that train of thoughts, because he shouldn't try to profile himself. It was a dangerous direction to take and he wasn't sure he would like what he would find there.

_You don't even have time to finish your question. She just tells you to go to him and hangs up and you just stay your phone in hand, not knowing what to do because, really, are you brave enough to go there? Brave enough to confront the feelings you have kept buried inside of you for so long, acknowledging the fact that there wasn't a chance for it to work out. He was married and faithful to a fault and your boss but, suddenly, he wasn't all that unattainable anymore and, maybe, just maybe, you could have what you always wanted. But was Haley right?_

He eventually got up and spared a glance at his watch. It was late and he knew he would probably be at the office first thing in the morning. It wasn't as if he had a lot of other things to do anymore. His office was in all probability going to become his home in the future; he knew it wasn't healthy but, then, neither was staying in an empty house, brooding about the train wreck that his life had become. No, immersing himself in the job would be a better solution.

But if he wanted to be in form come morning, he had to go to bed now. It wasn't going to be easy. He was accustomed to go to sleep alone; he did it often enough when he was in another state, but not when he was in his own home. Was he even going to find sleep? He wasn't so sure but the only way he would find out was if he tried, right?

_You don't know what to do about Haley's revelation but there is one thing you know you have to and it's going there because, even if you don't find the courage to tell him how you feel about him, even if you don't have the courage to ask him if what Haley said was truth, you know you can't leave him alone in such a moment, you know you can't make him go though that without any support, not after he has always been there for all of you when he probably hurt as much as you, but never showed it because it was his job to help you and not request any support for himself in the process – at least, it was his job in his mind because he did so much more than anyone could have expected from him._

He got out of the suit he was still wearing and took a pair of sweatpants and t-shirt from his closet. He couldn't help notice that almost each and every piece of clothing Haley owned was gone and that made her absence feel just a little bit more real.

Sitting down on the bed, he took some deep breaths, trying not to let the tears that prickled at his eyes fall once again.

_Making your decision, you grad your keys and you're out of your place before you even know it, driving fast, but not fast enough to be pulled off if there is a control. You have decided he's going to let you inside and help him, even if you have to make use of Morgan's technique and break the door. It's not long before you park the car on the side of the road. You know that it will probably get you a ticked but it's really not all that important. You can pay and it's not likely to damage your reputation. After all, really, who has never gotten a ticket? _

He heard a car park nearby and, while he knew that it was most likely just in front of the house, he just couldn't bring himself to care. The neighbors were probably receiving and the guests just decided to park there because there was no place anywhere else. It wasn't exactly the first time it had happened and, while he knew they probably would have to pay a fine, it was their problem, not his.

_Your nerves are playing up and you feel butterflies in your stomach when you ring the bell. You want to do nothing more than run back to your car and drive away as fast as you can but you are an FBI agent and you have learnt to control your fear._

He was startled when he heard the doorbell and then he frowned. Who could it be? He rarely had any visitor and, if he did, they were most likely there to see Haley. He hesitated a few seconds because if it was someone for Haley, he really didn't want to have to tell them she had moved out. But in the end, he went because there was still a possibility it was important and he couldn't not answer.

_When he opens, you see the surprise in his reddened eyes, the surprise at seeing you here. _

He opened the door and nearly gasped out loud at his unexpected visitor.

"JJ?" he asked, disbelief coloring his tone.

"Hey, Hotch," she said as calmly as she could manage before tilting her head to the side. "Can I come in?"


End file.
